capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
