Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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