Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
