Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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