Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
