I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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