I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
