it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
