I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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