My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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