FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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