Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
