Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
