I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
