I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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