Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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