I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
All I want is dick and wine.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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