you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
