dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize