Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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