Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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