I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
