Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
