You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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