I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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