Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
