First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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