I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
