omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
