Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
