Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
her facebook's as public as her vagina
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
