i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's blow job season.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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