i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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