we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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