Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
