I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
