Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Who died my cat blue again?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
