It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
