Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
