Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
