Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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