I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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