my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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