I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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