Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
