i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
