you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize