You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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