i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
