if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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