Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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