I'm gonna have a badass scar
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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