Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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