Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
