I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
