god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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