I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
