Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
