I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
