I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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